Jehovah Rapha: God, my healer
By JillWriting this for
a web page is very difficult. It feels personally risky. But God has
been preparing me for such a time as this for a long time. And, as I'm
sure many of you know, when God calls you to do something, He is
relentless. Let me tell you how God took my heart of stone, black with
sin, and transformed it into a heart of flesh - how He brought me up
out of the pit of despair...
When I graduated from high school,
life looked really good for me. I had a great family (I still do), good
friends, and I was accepted at a super university. I grew up in a home
where we went to church, but the church we attended didn’t teach about
a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I knew nothing of being
"born again" or "saved". After my first year at college, I returned
home to find that my parents had been born again. I remember telling my
friends that they had turned into "Bible Thumpers" and that all I ever
heard about anymore was Jesus. I tried to take it all in stride, but it
was definitely a shock to my system.
The next fall I returned to
college and continued living the typical sorority girl life. Life
seemed good. I spent each night doing what many college students do -
going to the bars and partying. Most nights I would end up at my
boyfriend's house and stay overnight there. By the end of my sophomore
year, I was 20 years old, preparing to study abroad in England, and
pregnant—not where I had planned to be.
The Lord, in His
infinite wisdom and mercy, has allowed me to forget many of the details
during the days and weeks when this all happened. I do, however,
remember part of a conversation with the father of the baby. I remember
him saying to me, "I'll marry you if that's what you want to do." Not
exactly every girl's dream proposal, but what did I expect? Besides, I
didn't want to get married. I had gotten myself into this mess, now I
had to get myself out. (Remember this was a non-believer's thinking.)
In
hindsight, I see how much easier it is to rely on the Lord for help,
because when I tried to fix things myself, I usually made it much
worse. That is exactly what I did. I (we) decided not to carry the baby
to term, but have an abortion. I choose not to say "terminate the
pregnancy" because that's just a way to make abortion not sound so bad.
At
this point in my life I was taking liberal-minded courses at a very
liberal state university. In the world's eye, the living thing inside
of me was not a baby, but just a few cells. In fact, that is exactly
what I heard at the clinic. Now I know that at three weeks my baby had
a heartbeat. At nine weeks, when I aborted my child, he had
fingerprints. Yet I was under the misconception that as long as it was
done before 12 weeks, this was not a "baby". That is how I justified my
decision. Sometimes I think that, way down deep in my heart, I knew
better.
I went to the local Planned Parenthood Clinic to see
what I had to do. I never once heard the word adoption. I was never
shown any literature or pictures of my baby's development. No one tried
to counsel me in my decision-making process. I do not blame them,
because at the time, they were as deceived as I was. And I'm not sure
that it would have made a difference or changed my mind.
Four
years passed before I started to realize what I had done. The
relationship with my baby's father ended. I went through bouts of
depression, although I could not recognize it at the time. I was
heavily involved in alcohol and drugs. I was promiscuous and continued
to make the worst decisions when it came to relationships. Then I met
Russ. We fell in love and decided to elope. Not long after we were
married, we thought that it would be nice to renew our vows in a
church. So we started to search for a church in which we could get
married...again.
While we were looking for a church, we found
Danville (Illinois) First Church of the Nazarene. We were not looking
to be saved or for a "church home". We were just looking for a
building, but God had something much greater in mind for us. He had led
us to this church for a very specific reason. Danville First Church had
a very strong tie to the local Crisis Pregnancy Center and many people
in their congregation were either on the board or volunteers. As time
passed and we kept attending, I began to realize that I did not have
what these other people had - a personal relationship with Jesus
Christ. Something was holding me back. That something was my past
abortion and the fact that I didn't feel good enough to be a part of
God's Kingdom.
On Sanctity of life Sunday in 1997 I heard my
friend's testimony that forever changed my life. I will never forget
how she stood in front of 300 people and confessed that she had had two
abortions and had experienced God's healing. When she finished, the
altars were lined with people, and I knew that I had no choice. God was
saying to me, "If you are going to do this, it has to be now." I made
my way to the altars, and for the first time gave everything to God. I
finally realized that He still loved me and forgave me for everything.
He was just waiting for me to come to Him - to accept the forgiveness.
That day I started a new life.
I won't tell you that everything
has been peachy since then. I still have deep regret and sorrow over
what I did to my baby. But God is so faithful and He provides me with
the peace that passes all understanding. Since that day I was saved, I
have struggled with how God could have blessed me with four more
children. I feel so inadequate. I will never understand why He chose me
to take care of these beautiful little creatures.
Before I
completed my post-abortion Bible study, I continued in my struggles
with depression, grieving my child, and what I had done to him. After
Caleb, my second son, was born, I felt this intense sense of how
inadequate I was as a mother. No amount of organization, preparation,
or education could get me on the right track. I tried Mom's groups and
all the books I could get into my hands. It brought back memories of my
first child and my abortion. I began to feel unworthy to be a mother.
You
see, when each of us is forgiven of our sins, God wipes the slate
clean. He throws our past sins into the sea of forgetfulness never to
be remembered again. I had pulled those sins back to the surface. As
Corrie Ten Boom says, he's posted a sign there that says "NO FISHING".
But we often ignore that sign and carry the weight of that sin around
with us. I was doing just that.
In the Bible, God is described
as Jehovah Rapha, which means, "God, my healer." Isn't that beautiful?
I had never heard that before. I knew that God would forgive me, but to
be healed completely was foreign to me. It seemed like too much to ask.
I spent several weeks in post-abortion counseling and education,
learning what it is to accept God's forgiveness. I mourned my child. I
dealt with anger toward the people involved. I came to know what it
means to feel enveloped in God's love and mercy. It wasn't just head
knowledge of being forgiven; it turned into heart awareness. I finally
felt forgiven, and I was finally able to forgive myself. I was able to
accept what I had done and know that God wanted me to use it for His
glory.
So, what about you? Why are you here right now, reading
my story? Maybe you have had an abortion and you are still hurting. Are
you feeling like God could never forgive you? Maybe you haven't
forgiven yourself. Maybe you are a single mom who chose to keep her
baby, but feel alienated by the church. Maybe your daughter or
granddaughter has faced a crisis pregnancy. Maybe your best friend had
an abortion and is still struggling with the after effects. Maybe you
are a man who was part of an abortion in the past. God is not only
merciful, He is our Jehovah Rapha. He is God, our healer. His word
tells us He is here right now and ready to take your pain away. He
wants to forgive you and He wants you to forgive yourself.
As
I was preparing this testimony and going through my post abortion Bible
study, the Lord gave me this jewel from His Word. It comes from Isaiah
54 verses 4-5.
Do not be afraid, you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth (my emphasis)
and remember no more the
reproach of your widowhood.
For the maker is your husband-
the Lord Almighty is his name-
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
He is called the God of all the earth.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank
you that you not only forgive, but you heal us. It's all you, Lord.
Nothing that I could ever do or say can compare to your boundless grace.
Lord,
I pray that all who read this will not only receive your forgiveness,
but also the healing that only You can give. You are Jehovah Rapha. Be
that in the life of each person this story touches. In Jesus precious
name, Amen.